Written at 6:30 this Morning

Every time I think of a certain something I’ve been trying so hard not to think of because I have a marketing exam in two hours, my stomach turns. And why exactly is my stomach turning? I don’t know. I’m somewhere between being angry and being upset. I want to yell and scream and kick, but I have no one to yell at, scream at, or kick.

It angers me because there’s supposed to be a mourning period. There is supposed to be a period of disoriented sadness. And the fact that you don’t have that only proves to me even more that you really did stop loving me at a point and that never went away. It makes me feel weak and stupid to say this, but you never really loved me as much as I loved you. And as glad as I am that I fought for us for as long as I did (from December to April, I’d say) because at least I know that there was absolutely nothing more I can do, it sickens me, absolutely sickens me, that from December to April all you wanted was a way out.

You changed. California changed you, distance changed you, or maybe time changed you. I don’t know and frankly, I’m done trying to analyze this. I loved (and still do love) the person you were before California. I miss this person. I wanted to marry this person. There were moments when I knew that this person was everything I needed from this world. He still is everything I need in this world. But he’s not you. That’s why I feel sad and broken hearted. That’s why my tear ducts seem to give way at the most random of times.

But you don’t feel any of that. You’re already out flirting with girls right in front of my eyes. It makes me want to smash someone’s head with a baseball bat. Because it is impossible for someone to move on that fast. Even when I made that list on my blog, it didn’t mean I was over you, it meant there were certain things in my life (too many things in my life) that used to make me happy that started making me sad. You listen to Sia and you move on. The first time I listened to that album I felt like crying. Every time I listen to Day Too Soon, I cry thinking about what should’ve or could’ve (but really, should’ve) been.

When we kept talking after we broke up, it was painful for me. But I kept talking to you because I felt there was something about you that I will always love and because you became such a big part of my life that it would be impossible for me to cut you out. I never did it because it was “the right thing to do” and I never did it because a year and two months shouldn’t go to waste or because I had already spent so much time, emotion, effort, money and morality on you.

And as hard as it would be for me to cut you out of my life, the worst thin in the world for me right now is to stay friends with you while I am broken and bruised and you are in this state of what I like to think is denial because it makes me feel better about myself.

I really would have wanted nothing more than for you to be the person I would call to tell you that I told Norine Farah that I made fun of her without knowing her and that I apologized to her for it. Because there are some special things that I can only share with you because you would be the only person to understand me.

But for now I have to get away from you. You are just about 80% of the reason why I want to get out of here this summer. So I’m making a clean break and I hope you can understand this. This is my closure. So good bye. For now or for forever. I don’t know, but I guess we will.