Things I Need to Eliminate from my Life in Order to Move On

1. Just about half the songs I've ever heard in my life
2. The pink elephant on my bed
3. 296 of the 2509 pictures I have on Facebook
4. Fagnoon and Nady El Agyad
5. Sidi Gaber and all of Alexandria
6. The hanging butterfly inside my closet
7. The Counting Crows lyrics on my closet door
8. The white cardigan
9. Three pairs of earings and a mood necklace
10. The Tech Meseum Awards calendar inside my closet
11. The Fusion painting inside my closet
12. Zamalek
13. And especially Dido's
14. Blueberry Glazed donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
15. Mint-top toothpicks
16. The box on the floor of my closet
17. Guitars
18. AIESEC Conferences
19. City Stars
20. The Prestige, The Last King of Scotland, Knocked Up
21. Sakya
22. The Bon Jovi poster hanging inside my closet door above the Tech calendar
23. Faisal w share3 Mourad
24. Sogo2 and assab
25. My password
26. Stupid words like "wazafak" and "ghoby" and "ezzaaaaaay"
27. To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee
28. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
29. Estonia bracelet
30. My desktop background

For Blue Skies

How many times does history have to repeat itself before I start learning from my mistakes. It's simple: don't call Hany from your cell so much or your dad will see the phone bill shoot up, and he will make your life miserable. So why do I keep forgetting that? Why do I keep on calling? And why do I have seven million Waseem songs that vary in theme from sad to angry to nostalgic. Each one marking a different time and a different stage in our relationship. I've been stuck in this Waseem loop for years and I can't get past it and I can't get over it.

Maybe that's why I want so badly to leave this summer. So I can feel something new. It's only just dawning on me that my life really has become a boring pop song and everyone else is singing along. And Microsoft and Google never replied.

I'm Back

I haven't written anything here in a while. I think I've discovered that my life isn't all that interesting to write about. "Dear Diary. Today I wrote a program. Life sucks." And while it is true, I started a blog at probably the toughest time in my life, just how many sad and existentialist posts can I write before sounding repetitive? Winter break is nice and relaxing. Nothing has happened in the past month (except for a little turbulence in the love department, but I'm choosing to block that out for now) and I love it that way. It's the first vacation I've had since something like high school and it's refreshing. I almost forgot what it feels like to wake up at noon and not feel guilty about it. I have absolutely nothing to do. Wow.

I'm feeling anxious these days because Google and Microsoft both haven't replied after I applied for summer internships there. My better judgment tells me it's over and to just move one, but it's too disappointing to consider. This summer is supposed to be my adventure. It's supposed to be the highlight of my blog. I want to travel and experience independence and be on my own and work and achieve something. I just can't handle another summer getting tossed back and forth between Cairo and Marina. So if it's not Google or Microsoft, I guess I'll have to settle for an AIESEC internship. Maybe go to the Far East. Learn about a new culture.

Speaking of travel, I'm going to New York in a couple of weeks! Sucks though, I'm missing an AIESEC conference. Relieved too, though, the leadership track isn't all as fun as the members track used to be. New York. But what is there to hope for, except to get hit on and buy fabulous clothes? I don't want to be dramatic and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I would rather stay and go somewhere inside Cairo and stay at a crappy two star hotel with my AIESEC people. I want to go to Dahab and climb a mountain. But I believe that everything happens for a reason, so here's to hoping I'll find more than some clothes and some flirty guy in New York.

Grey's Anatomy just finished downloading. Thank God those writers are done with their strike and all my shows are back. Grey's Anatomy makes me cry and I love it.

Seventeen Days

People tend to think I'm cold and emotionless and somewhat like a robot. But then I have Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies playing in the back of my head because I want nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. A literal shoulder with absolutely no other purpose than to replace my pillow.

I want to forget about everything and sleep for three days and do nothing productive. But I have an assignment due tomorrow and a meeting to prepare for so it's another night where I'm up for the most part. The unproductive sleep will have to wait till winter break. It's been waiting for almost two years now. I doubt I'll have time to sleep in winter break either.

I want to sleep. I want to download music and read lyrics all day. I never want to leave my house. I want to move out of my house, into a new house, and never leave that house. I want to quit. School and AIESEC specifically. Maybe family and friends too. I want to stop feeling like I want to quit. I want the year to be over with already.

I want to go against everyone's expectations and call somebody and cry and talk and cry for hours till I feel better. I can't find anyone to call right now. I want to send somebody an email but I think I've sent somebody too many depressed crying emails already. I'm trying to wait patiently for seventeen more days but I feel like I can't hold it all together for that long.

I hope no one ever reads this. If you're somebody reading this, please disregard it completely. I need to vent and I have no where else to turn to.

She said, "baby, it's 3 AM I must be lonely"

It's 5 AM (it was 3 AM when I wanted to write this). I'm unreasonably cold. I can tell my face is pale as shit (oh, the irony). My stomach is upset because of the ridiculous amount of coffee and junk inside it. I hit a brick wall three hours ago, and there's nothing I can do.

I have a project due in about 11 hours. I know how to finish it, but it just requires more brain power than I have right now. I just woke up. I slept on the uncomfortable green floor of the lab for a little over an hour. I feel like I'm still asleep. But somehow I have to find the energy to keep my eyes open long enough to compute the classification error of my neural network using a test set AND write a report about it. It's fucking hilarious.

It's 5 AM. I've been here since 10 AM yesterday. That's 19 hours. I probably won't leave here till tomorrow by 9 PM. That's 35 hours. I'm going to have spent 35 continuous hours on campus. So far I've only slept one hour. I don't know if I'm going to sleep more. All I can think of right now is sleep. And toothpaste.

The worst thing is that I have a meeting tomorrow. And not just any meeting, this is my first ever team meeting with my Projects members. I still need to create my content. I still need to figure out how I'm going to feel alive then. I still need to figure out how I'm going to make this project work. But leave AIESEC aside for now, I hate how it always just has to come up.

I wish Hany was here. I wish I could call him right now and wake him up and cry because I don't know how in the world I'm going get through the day. I wish he could comfort me and make me laugh. I wish he was here.

It's 5:40 AM.

Somersault by Zero 7

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last belly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

Your Brain is Made Up of Ten to the Power Fourteen Real Numbers