Seventeen Days

People tend to think I'm cold and emotionless and somewhat like a robot. But then I have Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies playing in the back of my head because I want nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. A literal shoulder with absolutely no other purpose than to replace my pillow.

I want to forget about everything and sleep for three days and do nothing productive. But I have an assignment due tomorrow and a meeting to prepare for so it's another night where I'm up for the most part. The unproductive sleep will have to wait till winter break. It's been waiting for almost two years now. I doubt I'll have time to sleep in winter break either.

I want to sleep. I want to download music and read lyrics all day. I never want to leave my house. I want to move out of my house, into a new house, and never leave that house. I want to quit. School and AIESEC specifically. Maybe family and friends too. I want to stop feeling like I want to quit. I want the year to be over with already.

I want to go against everyone's expectations and call somebody and cry and talk and cry for hours till I feel better. I can't find anyone to call right now. I want to send somebody an email but I think I've sent somebody too many depressed crying emails already. I'm trying to wait patiently for seventeen more days but I feel like I can't hold it all together for that long.

I hope no one ever reads this. If you're somebody reading this, please disregard it completely. I need to vent and I have no where else to turn to.

She said, "baby, it's 3 AM I must be lonely"

It's 5 AM (it was 3 AM when I wanted to write this). I'm unreasonably cold. I can tell my face is pale as shit (oh, the irony). My stomach is upset because of the ridiculous amount of coffee and junk inside it. I hit a brick wall three hours ago, and there's nothing I can do.

I have a project due in about 11 hours. I know how to finish it, but it just requires more brain power than I have right now. I just woke up. I slept on the uncomfortable green floor of the lab for a little over an hour. I feel like I'm still asleep. But somehow I have to find the energy to keep my eyes open long enough to compute the classification error of my neural network using a test set AND write a report about it. It's fucking hilarious.

It's 5 AM. I've been here since 10 AM yesterday. That's 19 hours. I probably won't leave here till tomorrow by 9 PM. That's 35 hours. I'm going to have spent 35 continuous hours on campus. So far I've only slept one hour. I don't know if I'm going to sleep more. All I can think of right now is sleep. And toothpaste.

The worst thing is that I have a meeting tomorrow. And not just any meeting, this is my first ever team meeting with my Projects members. I still need to create my content. I still need to figure out how I'm going to feel alive then. I still need to figure out how I'm going to make this project work. But leave AIESEC aside for now, I hate how it always just has to come up.

I wish Hany was here. I wish I could call him right now and wake him up and cry because I don't know how in the world I'm going get through the day. I wish he could comfort me and make me laugh. I wish he was here.

It's 5:40 AM.

Somersault by Zero 7

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last belly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

Your Brain is Made Up of Ten to the Power Fourteen Real Numbers

We have Members Now

Time management and procrastination don't work well together. If anyone has ever told you that they're a procrastinator that somehow miraculously can get the work done, that person lied. Maybe that's the toughest thing about AIESEC. Forget team management and leadership and exchange and facilitating national and international conferences. I'm still trying to figure out how in the world I will be able to maintain my GPA this semester. I'm wondering if it's possible for me to still have friends by the end of my term.

I won't lie. 95% of the time I wished I could quite. 95% of the time I felt like I was wasting my time. Ninety five percent of the time I think it used to be more fun as a member. But then there are days like yesterday. Yesterday was our first meeting with the members. It was long and exhausting and I almost died by the end of the day. But still it was amazing. The spirit in that room (RARE 203) was so high and so motivating. And the response we got, oh my God!

I have an assignment due tomorrow that I'm no where near done working on. So I guess it's another night of little or no sleep. I guess I've gotten used to it. I have AIESEC meetings everyday for the rest of the week and I'm matching a TN form. (If you don't know AIESEC you won't know what that means, but it takes up a lot of time.) But still, I'm enthusiastic. I'm motivated. I'm that other 5%. We have members. And they like AIESEC dances. It's going to be a good year.

"Breaking up is like Losing a Toe"

I spent two years of my life in a wasted relationship. I hope my ex-boyfriend never reads that because it's mean. But it's true. Two years of wasted invested time, emotions and money. Yes, boyfriends are generally expensive. And if you add up all the money you spend on one for roughly two years, it's a lot of money. And you could have bought yourself something pretty with it.

I've been in another relationship for seven months now. People who know me think I've undergone a brain transplant. They say I'm another person with this one. I know I'm another person with this guy. But I never had brain surgery.

There are two types of relationships. For me at least. I could be emotionally attached or detached. Of course the former relationship was the detached one and the latter was the attached. I realized that either way, it ends, it's sad, you feel like you lost a toe. But maybe being attached, I could feel something more. And then it wouldn't be wasted. That's what my brain underwent seven months ago.

Adeya Ra2y 3am

No one reads my blogs. I know that for a fact, because my life isn't all that interesting to read about. And it's okay, I like the fact that I write to a non-existent audience. It eliminates the possibility of "stage fright" while I'm writing.

My best friend Passant Rabie (full name included so that one day when she googles it, she'll see this) is having the hardest time writing her first column for Caravan, our university's biweekly newspaper. Passant Rabie is one of the most opinionated and eloquent people I know. But today, she's written two half-columns and she "doesn't know where to go from there."

I on the other hand, probably don't know where to go from here either, but I'm just going to ramble on for the sake of rambling on. I'm making grammatical mistakes as I go along and I don't even care. But if I was writing something to be distributed to a couple of thousand AUCians I don't know, I'd be getting stage fright too. I was just saying before that I don't care what people think about me. I think I lied. Because I just realized that I probably would care if people thought my writing sucked. Or that what I write about is bullshit. But then I don't care at all what people would think of me going out in my pyjamas. I'd explain this, but I don't think I can.