I don't particularly hate the individuals in my thesis group (although I must in all honesty say that there are certain individual(s) in my thesis group that I severely hate). I hate the fact that I woke up at 8:30 this morning only to be the first and only one in the lab for just about an hour. I hate the fact that I've been here for three and a half hours and nothing productive has come out of it. But what I hate the most is how a certain individual in my thesis group seems to think she is doing the greatest job in the world.
Communication is a bitch. It always seems to be me and a certain other individual against the remaining two individuals in my thesis group. Every time we fight it's always two against two. But the worst thing ever is that I know that we're going to be stuck in this mess all the way until December. It's hard for me to try to have a great senior project with all this. It's like everything they teach you in AIESEC. About the importance of interpersonal competencies and team building. Performance appraisals and flush sessions. But I can't just step into lab 611 and say, "Hey, let's define clear job descriptions for each member and review them monthly while doing goal setting." Although I know that would work a lot better than the situation we're in now.
It's frustrating because I want to have a good thesis. I want to make my parents proud of me. I want to create a kick ass mobile application. And I want to have fun doing it, but I've already given up on that far-fetched dream. So instead I'm just counting down. To graduation. But it's more like I'm counting down till I don't have to see these people anymore. Eight more months.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Happy Freakin' Birthday
There's something about being in university all day and being overwhelmed by the amount of work I have that makes me forget just how miserable I am. But then when I get home and I am left my pajamas and my laptop, that's when I turn to my iPod for comfort. That's when I feel like crawling into bed forever and crying like a baby. That's when I feel so much hatred and anger towards no one in particular, and the frustration of not having anywhere to channel these feelings starts to consume me.
I wore a t-shirt that says, "kiss me… it's my birthday" today, but I don't want anyone to kiss me and I want to forget that it's my birthday. But I also don't want to attract attention to my manic depression and be forced to answer questions like, "are you really okay?" and "you know you can always talk to me, right?" Because the truth is, there is only one person I want to talk to. I want to call someone and just cry openly and freely and complain about everything I feel I lost and about the horrible pain I felt when I opened that box that is hiding on the floor of my closet. But I can't call someone. My denial is telling me that it is only a matter of time before he returns from California. But I know that it's not a matter of time. And nothing is coming back for me from California. And I'm just waiting for something to make me happy again but that's not coming anytime soon.
I wore a t-shirt that says, "kiss me… it's my birthday" today, but I don't want anyone to kiss me and I want to forget that it's my birthday. But I also don't want to attract attention to my manic depression and be forced to answer questions like, "are you really okay?" and "you know you can always talk to me, right?" Because the truth is, there is only one person I want to talk to. I want to call someone and just cry openly and freely and complain about everything I feel I lost and about the horrible pain I felt when I opened that box that is hiding on the floor of my closet. But I can't call someone. My denial is telling me that it is only a matter of time before he returns from California. But I know that it's not a matter of time. And nothing is coming back for me from California. And I'm just waiting for something to make me happy again but that's not coming anytime soon.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Top 37 Songs to Mend a Broken Heart
1. Black by Pearl Jam
2. Glycerin by Bush
3. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
4. Insensitive by Jann Arden
5. The Blues by Switchfoot
6. How to Save a Life by The Fray
7. So Here We Are by Bloc Party
8. Open Invitation by BRMC
9. No Need to Argue by The Cranberries
10. Tender by Feeder
11. Hallelujah by Imogen Heap
12. Look What You've Done by Jet
13. Foolish Games by Jewel
14. Always by Bon Jovi
15. Light Years Away by Mozella
16. If You Leave by Nada Surf
17. Lose You by Pete Yorn
18. For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep
19. I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow
20. Vermillion, Pt. 2 by Slipknot
21. World Spins Madly on by The Weepies
22. Night is Still by Strays Don't Sleep
23. All Eternal Things by Trembling Blue Stars
24. Gotta Have You by The Weepies
25. Nobody Knows me at All by The Weepies
26. Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars
27. Love Doesn't Last Too Long by The Weepies
28. Beautiful Madness by Stabilo
29. Stars and Boulevards by Augustana
30. 1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos
31. The Leaver's Dance by The Veils
32. Kidding Ourselves by Stabilo
33. 2 AM Anna Nalick
34. Sideways by Santana ft. Citizen Cope
35. Eve by Chantal Kreviazuk
36. You Were Meant for Me by Jewel
37. How Could an Angel Break my Heart by Toni Braxton
2. Glycerin by Bush
3. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
4. Insensitive by Jann Arden
5. The Blues by Switchfoot
6. How to Save a Life by The Fray
7. So Here We Are by Bloc Party
8. Open Invitation by BRMC
9. No Need to Argue by The Cranberries
10. Tender by Feeder
11. Hallelujah by Imogen Heap
12. Look What You've Done by Jet
13. Foolish Games by Jewel
14. Always by Bon Jovi
15. Light Years Away by Mozella
16. If You Leave by Nada Surf
17. Lose You by Pete Yorn
18. For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep
19. I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow
20. Vermillion, Pt. 2 by Slipknot
21. World Spins Madly on by The Weepies
22. Night is Still by Strays Don't Sleep
23. All Eternal Things by Trembling Blue Stars
24. Gotta Have You by The Weepies
25. Nobody Knows me at All by The Weepies
26. Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars
27. Love Doesn't Last Too Long by The Weepies
28. Beautiful Madness by Stabilo
29. Stars and Boulevards by Augustana
30. 1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos
31. The Leaver's Dance by The Veils
32. Kidding Ourselves by Stabilo
33. 2 AM Anna Nalick
34. Sideways by Santana ft. Citizen Cope
35. Eve by Chantal Kreviazuk
36. You Were Meant for Me by Jewel
37. How Could an Angel Break my Heart by Toni Braxton
Monday, April 7, 2008
Things I Need to Have in my Life in Order to Sustain a Relationship
1. Someone who loves me deeply and unconditionally
2. Someone who respects my opinion
3. Someone who thinks I am smart and worth listening to
4. Someone who knows how to treat a girl
5. Someone who doesn't have a bad temper
6. Someone who is thoughtful and sweet
7. Someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me or on me
8. Someone who respects my boundaries
9. Someone my mother would love
10. Someone who doesn't take me for granted
11. Someone who doesn't make me cry
12. Someone who can make me stop crying
13. Someone that can give me my freedom
14. Someone that understands me
15. Someone who doesn't necessarily believe what I believe in, but can accept that we believe in different things
16. Someone ambitious
17. Someone that can admit they are wrong
18. Someone that can put me over their pride
19. Someone who never yells at me
20. Someone who values me
21. Someone who doesn't give up on me
22. Someone who is willing to fight for me
2. Someone who respects my opinion
3. Someone who thinks I am smart and worth listening to
4. Someone who knows how to treat a girl
5. Someone who doesn't have a bad temper
6. Someone who is thoughtful and sweet
7. Someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me or on me
8. Someone who respects my boundaries
9. Someone my mother would love
10. Someone who doesn't take me for granted
11. Someone who doesn't make me cry
12. Someone who can make me stop crying
13. Someone that can give me my freedom
14. Someone that understands me
15. Someone who doesn't necessarily believe what I believe in, but can accept that we believe in different things
16. Someone ambitious
17. Someone that can admit they are wrong
18. Someone that can put me over their pride
19. Someone who never yells at me
20. Someone who values me
21. Someone who doesn't give up on me
22. Someone who is willing to fight for me
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Let Me Rephrase
I reprehend myself for my own naïveté for believing that the only people who could read my blog are the people I give the URL out too. I also reprehend myself for touching up on politics (when I am only trying to vent to myself) because as I know, it always gets me in trouble.
I live in a third world, developing country. I have been living in a third world developing country since I was seven. The fact that it is a developing country isn't news to me. The fact that my country is stricken with poverty isn't news to me either. The fact that the economy's GDP has been steadily rising over the past few years and the fact that this still hasn't helped out much to raise the standard of living in my country still isn't news to me. It's true, I'm educated, I like to keep up with the news in my country, and I am somewhat biased towards a certain perspective. I believe that reform is something that can and will happen but that it is also gradual.
So when the rest of the educated civilians do what they do best—blame the government and futilely pity their situation—it makes me sad how childish and idle they are. And I take it personally when people backlash against my family. Is this honestly the voice of our nation? That we either remain apathetic or resort to anarchy? Now when has that been something that worked well?
I'm not saying that if this guy is rich he shouldn't complain. I'm saying that if he is rich and he wants to complain about something, he should educate himself about it, he shouldn't generalize or follow stereotypes, and he should get up and do something about it. An organized strike isn't going to solve anything. Neither is complaining to a classroom filled with seven other people.
I deal with shit like this every so often and I try not to let it get to me. But it feels completely disrespectful when people start making assumptions and accusations against people to their faces without knowing it or knowing them. It is offensive because it is wrong and if people would just look a bit further, they would realize that but they don't.
I know I can never understand what a lot of people are going through and I know just how blessed I am to have been brought up with everything I have. But that still doesn't justify other people's actions, and it doesn't give any credibility to their accusations. These people also do not know what others have gone through to reach what they have reached and to earn with every ounce of honor and dignity what they have earned. It is wrong to generalize like that.
I live in a third world, developing country. I have been living in a third world developing country since I was seven. The fact that it is a developing country isn't news to me. The fact that my country is stricken with poverty isn't news to me either. The fact that the economy's GDP has been steadily rising over the past few years and the fact that this still hasn't helped out much to raise the standard of living in my country still isn't news to me. It's true, I'm educated, I like to keep up with the news in my country, and I am somewhat biased towards a certain perspective. I believe that reform is something that can and will happen but that it is also gradual.
So when the rest of the educated civilians do what they do best—blame the government and futilely pity their situation—it makes me sad how childish and idle they are. And I take it personally when people backlash against my family. Is this honestly the voice of our nation? That we either remain apathetic or resort to anarchy? Now when has that been something that worked well?
I'm not saying that if this guy is rich he shouldn't complain. I'm saying that if he is rich and he wants to complain about something, he should educate himself about it, he shouldn't generalize or follow stereotypes, and he should get up and do something about it. An organized strike isn't going to solve anything. Neither is complaining to a classroom filled with seven other people.
I deal with shit like this every so often and I try not to let it get to me. But it feels completely disrespectful when people start making assumptions and accusations against people to their faces without knowing it or knowing them. It is offensive because it is wrong and if people would just look a bit further, they would realize that but they don't.
I know I can never understand what a lot of people are going through and I know just how blessed I am to have been brought up with everything I have. But that still doesn't justify other people's actions, and it doesn't give any credibility to their accusations. These people also do not know what others have gone through to reach what they have reached and to earn with every ounce of honor and dignity what they have earned. It is wrong to generalize like that.
Ministers Have Feelings Too
Today is a very typical day in Cairo; bipolar weather, crazy traffic, another complaint from the mass in the form of a riot. And as usual, the AUC community decided to make a big fuss over the whole situation and I am currently sitting in CACE and the campus population can not exceed 50 students.
So there's the demonstration/protest/riot/label-it-however-you-want-I'm-staying-completely-neutral. But it's hard to stay completely neutral when everyone around you suddenly becomes a spokesperson for The Opinionated Idiots Who Think They're So Smart. In my Marketing class of around 40, only seven people showed up today. The AUC community decided to make a big fuss as I said. And naturally, the topic of discussion in the beginning of class had to be The Government.
Now, in conversations about The Government, I have learnt to keep my mouth shut and give a look of apathetic boredom. It saves me every time. So the six other students in class and the professor go on and on discussing The Government in—what is in my opinion— a completely irrelevant manner to the real topic at hand.
It was the guy who sits in the back row with a hot British accent (which is such an odd way for me to describe him because I generally hate British accents) who decided that a minister's income and wealth is the root of all evil in our society. At that moment, my bored and apathetic façade gave way to my shocked, teary-eyed face and I just sat there in quiet astonishment, not knowing whether I should regain my composure or get out of my chair and hysterically run up to Hot British Boy and grab him from his crisp Ralph Lauren collar and scream in his face, "Ministers and their daughters and people too, you know! Don't talk about people like that or you'll hurt their feelings!" And what the hell is he complaining about WITH HIS RALPH LAUREN JACKET?!
But of course, being me, I sat there quietly, wondering if anyone ever thought of The Government they so easily accuse for all the horrible things in the world as a group of people who wake up early six mornings a week, kiss their wives good-bye and head off to work. I wonder if they realize that their daughters pack them a nice lunch in a heat-proof container because they don't get back until late at night. I wonder if they realize that every time there's a security threat on the holidays, their whole families have to rush back to Cairo to save the day once again.
But it's so easy for British Fuck Boy to strut into class with his perfect hair and perfect clothes and sip his morning double latté from L'Aroma and blame my father for things he doesn't see and doesn't understand.
So there's the demonstration/protest/riot/label-it-however-you-want-I'm-staying-completely-neutral. But it's hard to stay completely neutral when everyone around you suddenly becomes a spokesperson for The Opinionated Idiots Who Think They're So Smart. In my Marketing class of around 40, only seven people showed up today. The AUC community decided to make a big fuss as I said. And naturally, the topic of discussion in the beginning of class had to be The Government.
Now, in conversations about The Government, I have learnt to keep my mouth shut and give a look of apathetic boredom. It saves me every time. So the six other students in class and the professor go on and on discussing The Government in—what is in my opinion— a completely irrelevant manner to the real topic at hand.
It was the guy who sits in the back row with a hot British accent (which is such an odd way for me to describe him because I generally hate British accents) who decided that a minister's income and wealth is the root of all evil in our society. At that moment, my bored and apathetic façade gave way to my shocked, teary-eyed face and I just sat there in quiet astonishment, not knowing whether I should regain my composure or get out of my chair and hysterically run up to Hot British Boy and grab him from his crisp Ralph Lauren collar and scream in his face, "Ministers and their daughters and people too, you know! Don't talk about people like that or you'll hurt their feelings!" And what the hell is he complaining about WITH HIS RALPH LAUREN JACKET?!
But of course, being me, I sat there quietly, wondering if anyone ever thought of The Government they so easily accuse for all the horrible things in the world as a group of people who wake up early six mornings a week, kiss their wives good-bye and head off to work. I wonder if they realize that their daughters pack them a nice lunch in a heat-proof container because they don't get back until late at night. I wonder if they realize that every time there's a security threat on the holidays, their whole families have to rush back to Cairo to save the day once again.
But it's so easy for British Fuck Boy to strut into class with his perfect hair and perfect clothes and sip his morning double latté from L'Aroma and blame my father for things he doesn't see and doesn't understand.
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